Things got very difficult on Tuesday, February 11th when my Grandma Kathy suddenly died of a massive hemorrhagic stroke. I woke up a little before 7am to my phone ringing, and I knew something big was up because it is very unlike my parents to call at that time. I answered mom’s video call to discover that my grandma had collapsed and was unlikely to ever wake up again. She was on life support and they were going to see what options were available over the next few hours, but that things were really uncertain and not looking great. I was able to see her and talk to her before it was time to hang up. I was really devastated, as Grandma Kathy and I are very close and she was the youngest and arguably the healthiest of my three grandparents.
Before I left in September, I had talked briefly with each of my grandparents (dad’s mom, Grammy, and mom’s parents Papa and Grandma Kathy) about the possibility of something happening, and if they would want me to come home. Each of them told me to stay in Spain and say goodbye in my own way, and then to be with family when I returned at my normal, end-of-grant time. So, I knew that whatever happened, I wouldn’t be planning to rush home.
I went to school, as waiting at home all day seemed like a terrible idea. Also, GK thrived in her vocation as a teacher, and I figured being at school with my students is where she would want me to be. Since the Fulbright MidYear Conference started Wednesday, I was planning for a short week at school. We talked about Valentine’s Day with 3rd ESO (it was coming up that Friday), which is one of GK’s favorite holidays. I talked to home a few time throughout the day, and then around 4pm my time I got the news that she had lost brain function and it was time to say goodbye and let her go.
My brother and I each FaceTimed into the room, and there was a shelf across from her and it really did feel as if we were in the room with my aunts, uncles, grandma, parents, and cousins. My grandpa and all four of their daughters were there. It was very peaceful and calm, and she was in no pain; we could never ask for me.
my initial reflection
I have never felt so far away before, and I am sad. However, so many people have reached out, and ithas helped with the sense of distance. As I was coming to terms with the reality of her impending death and greatly struggling with being away from family, a former classmate who saw GK quite a lot told me something that helped immensely:
“you are right where she wants you”
How I needed to hear those words! I’ve been thinking a lot about how if I can touch half as many lives as she did, I will have lived a good life.
Grandma was an endless source of support for me, and I always loved called to tell her about my latest adventure or to seek advice. Once she learned how to text, she always sent me a good luck text before every test at Creighton. WhatsApp was a trial for her when I came here, but thanks to my cousins’ help, she quickly conquered that frontier as well and stayed in touch and shared teaching tips.
In particular, she has been my rock when Mom has severe flares and takes turns for the worse. Having a loved one battle chronic illness is an experience in of itself, and I will greatly miss GK’s presence here. She was – and is – always there!
A really important lesson I learned from GK was gratitude and making an effort to show it to others, especially when it wasn’t socially expected to do so.
- I am grateful for technology, as it allowed me to say goodbye and have a sense of solidarity and strength as my parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins gathered into her room for an official farewell. Additionally, it allowed me to watch her funeral and be present there, in real time, as best as I could.
- I am grateful for my faith. GK was my confirmation sponsor, and I chose St. Margaret as my patron in part after her mother, my great-grandmother (who was Nana to me!). I don’t think I ever really appreciated how much Grandma worked to live out her faith, but I am awe-struck by it as I continue to reflect.
- I am grateful for my school community here. They are being so, so supportive.
- I am grateful for my friends: childhood, LV, Creighton, Fulbright, and any and all in-between
- I am grateful for my family. thank you for making sure I was there as much as I could be from afar. thank you for giving her the celebration and send off she so deserved and desired.
- I am grateful for 23 years with her
- I am grateful for each and every person who filled Sacred Heart Church to console my family and celebrate her life
- I’m grateful to GK for planning such a magnificently elegant funeral for herself. Really, she outdid herself with the music, and she would have been so pleased to see how uplifting and beautiful it was (ofc I think she did see it, just not from here)
- There are many other things but I am tired
moving forward
On tough days, or homesickness days, or a combination of both, I have been thinking of how I’ll arrive home on July 3rd and get to spend the 4th on the porch with GK and Papa, watching the rest shoot off firecrackers and race to catch the parachute men. I am sad that that will not get to be a reality, but I treasure every other memory I have of similar events with them.
I keep thinking that while we miss her so much here, she gets to be with Uncle Ricky. After he was killed by a drunk driver at 5 years old, how happy she must be to see her oldest child and son again.
Whenever music came on, there was usually a pretty good chance that it was the Mamma Mia soundrack, Seasons of Love (her workout song), or Que sera sera (the unofficial family motto at this point, tbh). I will be listening to those songs more and more, when I go to send her a message and am faced with a sense of emptiness. However, I intend to spend most of my energy celebrating her life. The world gained a magnificent angel.
There are so many things to laugh about when remembering her, from her pride in how quickly the Roomba cleaned the living room rug, to her run-ins with the cows, and the infamous pony-on-the-porch incident, c. 2000; she was something special to those who were lucky enough to know her!
On the day that she died, my Valentine’s Day card from her arrived. We grandkids always, always get a card for each holiday, and that is something that I especially treasured in college. Imagine how stunned I was when every single card thus far has arrived on the holiday itself! With the international mail system! Somehow I feel that this card arriving on this day was no accident either. However, I have not brought myself to read it just yet. I have received some sort of letter from Grandma about every other week since moving to Pontevedra, and it never fails to make my day. I cannot quite bear the thought of opening the final one just yet.
So, if you’re reading this, please…to honor GK, go get a piece of paper or a card and pick up and pen and send a note to a friend you haven’t seen in a while.
If you find yourself in Leavenworth, KS, stop at Homer’s and have a food item of your choice with onion rings and a milkshake in her memory. Papa, GK, Mom, and I went there together for lunch a couple of days before I left, and it was just one of those magical, golden days that I am grateful for. Additionally, stop Papa if you see him and give him a hug for me.
Every ladybug I see makes me smile, as that was her term of endearment for every child. Something that befuddled me as a child was that whenever I would say “I love you” to GK, she would reply with “I love you more.” How do you beat that when you don’t know about superlatives and the word “most”? Thus, it became traditional for several rounds of “no, I love you more” to be said until someone hung up first. I miss that, but I do think we were both right in our own ways. What a thing to celebrate!
my fulbright year 