My family didn’t need me when Grandma died.
My family didn’t need me when a pandemic started.
My family needs me (home) now that it’s taking hold.
**this post will be from 3/20/2020 through 3/25/2020**
My last post ended with saying that Friday, March 20, 2020 started off so well, and that we were waiting to hear official word for what the change to Level 4 meant. Since most countries of the world (if not all? unclear) were changed to Level 4 together, we’re not sure if it will change much for us here. Again, still planning to wait it out. The risks of travel to myself and others are surmountable, as well as the intense danger my presence near home will cause my family. And if I can’t be home, I would much rather stay here where I know I’m safe and stable / I have my routine and plentiful resources. Basically, the uncertainty of it all is all too great, and nothing has yet convinced me it’s better to go.
In the afternoon, the email finally came, and it escalated things. Somehow, we were all faced with an even more impossible decision than a week ago. I certainly did not expect for us to be raised to a full Level 4 so quickly, nor did I think that the response in the US would be so poorly orchestrated and deteriorate so quickly.
Fulbright has been suspended worldwide. This means that if I remain in Spain, I do so as a private citizen without any significant government/embassy resources and support. Okay, that probably should spook me but given the circumstances, I didn’t worry about this too much; additionally, I have such a strong community of support here. Because Fulbright is suspended, my visa is technically also no longer a thing, because it is tied to my job (which has been suspended). This means I’m on a tourist visa, which is fine. However, there are signifiant complications that could arise with this down the line, and seeing the pandemic really starting to hit the US is making me more and more unsure that commercial air travel will be guaranteed / accessible / affordable in the summer when my tourist visa is up. Complicated and risky – as is heading home. I really struggle with the idea of going from one Level 4 country to another, due to dangers posed to me and anyone I encounter.
additionally, a significant factor in my initial decision to stay revolved around the possibility of needing medical care, should my protective measures not be enough against the virus. I firmly believe that the US has incredible doctors, nurses, and wider medical professionals who are capable of and do provide exquisite medical care. However, I do not have faith the wider system would be able to save me. Our public health infrastructure has been slowly gutted, as has funding for smaller and absolutely essential projects and innovation. It is long past due for our nation to realize that our systems are antiquated, draconian, inefficient, and irresponsible. I believe change is more than possible and I firmly hope we can join together and word to make positive change for the greater good of our country and humankind. Access to quality healthcare should be a basic human right.
I talked to my family, and we decided to give it 24 hours to that it would be a logical decision. Throughout this eternity of a week, my parents have made it very clear that they will follow, support, and respect whatever decision I make; I can never express my gratitude to them for this. I cried and cried, as I hate making decisions for myself and this is an exceptionally important one. There are significant implications either way, and I really prepared myself for staying through the summer, however long that would be in lockdown here. However, things were changing. Everyone told me to sleep on it. I went back and read GK’s letters to me, as all I wanted to do was call her and ask her advice.
Saturday, 3/23: long story short, I woke up feeling a sense of peace with staying or going. It occurred to me that perhaps I ought to ask my family if they needed me home. This is a big phrase for us, and not one that we say or take lightly.
I’m still very much at an impass, and I’ve been watching mom deteriorate all week. People outside the house keep saying that she seems fine, but also it’s been 9 years since she was diagnosed and it’s still hard to explain why it’s obvious to us that she’s taking a turn for the worse when others think she’s fine (ofc people mean so well and it means the world that they care; this is a situation where the disconnect is just brutal. It is the nature of lupus, especially, to be this way. I write this because I think it’s important to talk about the realities of chronic illness, if and when I mention it at all). If the main reason for me not coming home was to avoid killing my severely immunocompromised mother, then the new strain of legal uncertainties and such might add up with the stress everything else and kill her anyway. Lupus especially really amplifies the effects of (serious) stress, and it’s not something to take lightly when she seems so close to a flare.
SO! Home called in the afternoon and we talked through options.
The risk of legal uncertainties was enough to push me a little closer to the edge of this teeter totter decision, and hearing that I am needed at home is all it takes to tip the teeter totter the other way. I fully expect people to show up if I were to say I needed them, and I try to hold myself to the same standard. Also, I am close to my family and genuinely enjoy them and causing them suffering will ultimately cause me more harm than good. I delegated finding a quarantine place to them, with rigid specifications. I cannot handle the possibility of me spreading the virus to anyone, and it’s all but guaranteed I’ll at least come in contact with it while traveling. I will take every safety precaution I can think of / any government or agency is suggesting, and hope and pray that I’ve done all I can.
I booked a flight home, and fortunately we still have financial support from the commission in getting home right how. Thankfully, I’ll be headed stateside with a few others from Galicia, so that helps a little.
I am just so, so sad.
I started letting people know that I’ll be going, as things have changed. I’m incredibly frustrated, angry, and sad that all of this has come to this. That being said, I am thankful to the Fulbright Commission and my peers here, as well as the local community in Pontevedra. I am humbled by the outpouring of support, and it makes leaving significalty more difficult and heartwrenching. Knowing that I don’t get to say “see you later” and a heartfelt “thank you” in person to the people who made this place home is perhaps the most devastating part of this. Technology helps, but it doesn’t ease the pain.
My principal and her family (they are my Spanish family here) called and cried on the phone with me, and it was so pure. I had messaged two of my coteachers last night about how things had changed, and they both told me to leave sooner rather than later; that helped me make peace with the idea of leaving more than anything, I think. Slowly, I’m making plans to say “hasta luego” on videocalls over the next couple of days. It’s never been a question taht I’d be back to Galicia/Pontevedra to visit after my grant, but even less so now. I’m so sad I don’t get to take a final walk through the city, but it will have to wait for next time.
I cannot think about how sad I am to not see my students again this year, but I’ll choose to be mad about that once I’m safely in quarantine in the US I think.
Sunday, 3/22: Today I started packing. It is not going well.
Arantxa is really, really sad that I am heading back, and I’m hoping that I’m making it clear that it is because of legal complications and intense pressures on my family, not because I don’t feel safe or stable here. Really, if I had no plans for next year and I didn’t care about my family, there wouldn’t be a question – I’d take the risks of staying. I’ll leave later this week…flights start to go up astronomically because there will be so, so few. There’s a good chance we’ll face some complications, but hoping it’ll go fairly smoothly.
I’m trying to clean as I go, while trying to balance staying in touch and keeping up with people wanted to say “see you later” virtually. I’ve talked to my clase particular families and they are all so cute and very excited to stay in touch, which made me really happy.
It was almost sunny today, so I had some good terrace time and just tried to relax. Arantxa made a really delicious lunch (s/o to her mom for getting us some fresh groceries and leaving them in the hallway for us to disinfect before bringing them inside). None of this is a joke, and the sooner we all continue to interact only with those whom we live with will hopefully bring a speedier and less upsetting/tragic end to this crazy, crazy time.
Tonight we made another tortilla, and it had better consistency and potato texture. That was our main complaint about the first one.
Monday, 3/23:
I’m just really empty and taking it one task at a time. I got up and made myself breakfast to try and shake myself into some productivity, and it helped. I caught up on email and boring/important stuff, as well as some really wonderful messages sent to cheer me up. Thank you. I tried to pack but it is still disastrous, so I gave myself most of the day off from it.
The weather was really nice today, so I put on my swimsuit and sunscreen and soaked up as much Vitamin D as I could on the terrace. It was a really, really relaxing afternoon (much needed) and I feel much better! Later on, once the sun wasn’t as strong Arantxa and I hung on in the living room and somehow started watching part of a telenovela. It was pretty entertaining, and a good way to pass the time together.
I finally decided to get my act together and started to tackle the whole packing thing for real. I made really good progress! I’m giving some things away to second hand stores (or at least leaving for someone else to take as they are indefinitely closed in the lockdown), but it will be really tight to bring back the stuff I really need and care about. Oh well, I’ll figure it out!
I want to take a minute to say another thank you – all the messages of encouragement and love from my community here as well as back home help immensely, and I’m still able to enjoy the time I have left here before the trip home. Every photo, meme, or anecdote has made me smile, so thank you.
I made a trip to the grocery store to get some final things, and I got to say “hasta lugeo / me voy a EEUU :/” to my favorite grocery store workers. It was a quick trip (obviously) and the streets are empty – it is eerie. I was on my way back to my aparmtnet around the corner when the 8pm clapping started, and it was even more powerful to be on the street and hear just how loud it is. For those who haven’t heard, people go to theirwindows, doors, balconies, etc. each night at 8pm since the lockdown began to clap and show their support and thanks to our essential workers risking their health and safety to keep society functioning and keep the sick alive.
Tuesday, 3/24: today was a good day, but nevertheless a difficult one. It was gloriously sunny (perhaps Galicia’s parting gift to me, for now) and I once again had a lot of terrace time. I had a few final things to pick up at the store/pharmacy, so I donned my gloves and made a quick run, taking the trash with me as I went. On my way back, I stopped at my favorite little neighborhood bakery around the corner from my apartment. I stop here every Thursday to get myself a little treat for making it through the week/celebrate the week, and I got my usual order (a napolitana, of course) and some fresh bread. The bread lady was SO SAD when I told her I was leaving tomorrow and she actually teared up, which made me so sad as well. How I will miss these little things and interactions!
I finished packing – finally, despite all the odds – and made sure any remaining things in the room were sorted and organized to be donated / given to others. After that, I went back out to the terrace to enjoy what time I had left in Spain and with my roommate. I said bye to her family on the phone, and then at 6pm my principal and her son called me to say goodbye/buen viaje/hasta luego. Normally, on Tuesdays at 6, we have our clase particular.
During dinner, Arantxa and I both got sad, but we were able to pull ourselves together enough to enjoy watching some ridiculous tv. She and some other friends are driving Amanda, Caroline, and I to the airport in Vigo tomorrow, which is so kind. Since it’ll be a really early departure, we loaded my bags into her car that night, and then I called it a night fairly early in an effort to try to get some rest.
my fulbright year 